The Porcelain Cheerios
by KlainesSecretChild
Summary: One shot! Sue has a strange conversation with Kurt during Cheerios practice. Cheerio!Kurt


The Porcelain Cheerios

**One shot! Sue has a strange conversation with Kurt during Cheerios practice. Cheerio!Kurt**

* * *

After Brittany performed a few somersaults and flips, Sue violently blew her whistle, shocking most of the Cheerios.

"I am absolutely stunned. In my years of being an educator, I have never seen such mediocrity. Sandbags, Tweedle Dumb and Porcelain. You three hold this sorry bunch together. I want you three to do a routine together. Right now."

"Now?" Kurt repeats unsurely.

"Have you gone deaf, Porcelain, or are just being cheeky? Of course now, Tickle Me Dough Face!"

Kurt gulped and led Santana and Brittany towards the centre of the gymnasium. They stood in a triangular formation, facing away from the rest of the squad and their harsh coach.  
"Number fourteen." Kurt instructed to Santana and Brittany.  
"Number fourteen, girls." Santana repeated to the music playing Cheerios.

The sound of _Supabeat _by _Sweet 17_ erupted through the gym. Kurt began the routine, his flips and cartwheels as polished as ever. Santana then joined in and Brittany followed suited, completing their use of accumulative canon. Their dance moves became more complicated than ever before and Kurt was lifted high into the air by the girls in a complete split position. They impressively held him there for eight counts before he stood on their hands and double back flipped off them. Their routine concluded with Santana doing a series of intricate somersaults across Kurt and Brittany's end poses. Santana landed her final trick and Sue reached for her megaphone.

"A damn sight better than the rest of these morons but still…mediocre."

"Coach, that was the best routine you've ever seen and you know it. You're just resentful that you didn't choreograph it. We did." Kurt replied, smirking. Santana widened her eyes at his backtalk.  
"You know Porcelain; I knew you were like me, except you lack Sue Sylvester's bone structure. After practice today, I require a swab of your saliva in order to complete the cloning process that I have been working on since the 80's. Then…you're all out. Apart from Silicone Chest and Brittany. You three make a good team. And with all those fairy like Porcelains flipping around, I will kill at Nationals and finally win that local Emmy."

Just as she finished, Emma Pillsbury strolled in, her petite strides meaning it took a while for her to reach Sue.

"Greetings, Elmo. We were just discussing my need to clone Gelfling Rainbow over here for my success at Nationals."

"Okay. Well, I'm pretty sure that's both impossible and dangerous. But good luck. And Mr Schuester needs to talk to you after practice."

"Thank you, Arlene. I will be sure to grab my gas mask as the putrid stench of his excessive use of hair products burns Sue Sylvester's nose. Then how can I smell the fear of the stupid teenagers I walk past everyday? How will I know who to push down the stairs?"

"How about not pushing kids down stairwells, Sue?" Emma suggested. Kurt shook his head shortly. Sue threw her megaphone viciously at a Cheerio, who squealed and ran away crying.  
"YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, HUGE ASS! I CAN'T HAVE WEAKLINGS ON MY TEAM! Watch." Sue added quietly. She grabbed her clipboard and hurled it at Santana. It struck her boobs and she didn't even wince. She tossed her backup megaphone at Kurt, who just caught it."  
"This is why I need to clone you, Tinkerbell. Anyways, Irma. How about I take away your plastic gloves and hand sanitizer? Then what do you have to live for?"

Emma opened her mouth to retort, but Sue cut her off.

"I swear if you mention love or helping the children, I will make you eat a pompom, then lock you in the boys locker room, where the sweaty, lazy boys will be showering and changing." Emma looked like she was about to cry.

"Sue, that was harsh." Kurt reprimanded after Emma had left, scrubbing her hands with nonexistent wipes.

"Porcelain, I will have none of your insolence. Even if you are my head Cheerio. Sue Sylvester bullies whomever she likes."

"I know that, Coach. But it's like me saying this: Oh hey, Sue. If you dare oppose me one more time, I will throw you in a room with a bunch of losers. Will Schuester will be there as well as Lindsay Lohan and Ken Tanaka. Is that what you want?" Kurt explained, frowning.

"Wow, Porcelain. That's just mean."

"That's exactly what you did to her."

Sue pulled out a cotton bud and raised it.

"Open wide, Porcelain. I'm gonna need a lot of your saliva to make this work."

Kurt just ran away. He'd never been so freaked out before, well if you don't count when Brittany asked if she could cut off his penis and stick it on her wall because she thought he was leaving her.

Sue put a firm hand on his shoulder.  
"You cannot escape Sue Sylvester, Porcelain. Never."

* * *

**A/N: Just a short little scene that's been in my head since last night whilst I was reading Sue fics. I love her, but I don't think I did her justice. **


End file.
